 |
| The New Rules to Survive Today's Dance Floor |
This is Chapter 9 from the book Telling the
Truth: The Foundational Articles for Today's WCS. Available on Amazon.com. Copyright 2014.
___
There are some solid rules of etiquette that most of us have
been trained in and live by on the social dance floor... for decades.
Examples?
- Always say "yes" when someone asks you to dance.
- If you have to turn someone down because you're resting, in the middle of a conversation or are otherwise "indisposed," then be sure to catch them on the next song.
- Establish your slot at the start of the dance and stay in it.
- Acknowledge the spouse when asking their partner.
- If you sweat profusely, bring a change of top.
- Don't eat garlic or onions before you go social dancing...
The list goes on and on... and yet most of us can't remember
where we first learned them. We just know they exist, and we do our best to
adhere to them. These rules have helped new dancers become better, helped keep
our dance environment polite, civil and in reality, quite positive. These rules are held, by many of us, to be
both holy and universally known.
I was blessed to start dancing swing, ballroom and country
western when these rules were being followed by the entire dance community.
Those who didn't were branded as the local meanie or snob and were pointed out
to newcomers as the ones to be wary of.
But when I fell hopelessly in love with West Coast Swing and
immersed myself in that particular swing scene, I learned a whole new level of
etiquette. The men made sure every single lady was walked to their car. Doors
were opened for the women and jeans were snubbed as a "dishonor to the
dance." The level of etiquette was so high, in fact, that my own husband
had to meet with the men in my community to find out what I was used to.
But those days are
behind us.
Things have most definitely changed. In a lot of ways. And
as such, it can be downright dangerous to follow these rules as we once did. I
have said "it's time" to acknowledge that there are Two Dances being
danced on the West Coast Swing scene, and now I'm also saying that "it's
time" to instate a new etiquette.
THE “NEW ” ETIQUETTE
Some rules still apply. It's still rude to ignore another’s
spouse. It's still polite to avoid onions, garlic and even heavy perfumes before
heading to the social dance floor. But some rules most definitely don't apply
anymore.
I've worked as a private contractor for a number of small
businesses. The number one issue they faced when it came to problems with
internal and external customer service was the generational issue. Older
generations believed the younger generations knew certain rules and chose to
ignore them. But they most often just needed to be told. Nearly 99% of the
workforce problems were solved at the companies I worked with when expectations
were clearly spelled out to the younger generation. Even simple ones, like
'greet a customer when they walk in the door,' and 'save personal computer use
for your break.'
Don’t expect that your rules of common dance decency are
known to anyone else. I'm constantly meeting students who are being driven nuts
by people who are blatantly ignoring common etiquette. And I tell them... they
may not know the rules. Of course, once the rule breakers learn them, they
should be held to account. There's no excuse for conscious rude behavior. Be
aware and be prepared. Not everyone is on the same page concerning etiquette.
This used to be an unspoken rule, but man, oh, man, have
people forgotten it! This rule has been broken in dance classes, in workshops,
on the social dance floor and even (seriously?) on the competition floor.
NO. There is absolutely NO excuse to give, as you all love
to call it, "feedback" on the dance floor. Okay, fine, there is one
exception... and ONLY one: "That hurts." Again, this is about
injury... if you are being pushed, pulled, yanked, tweaked, squeezed or if your
hair gets caught in a wristband, etc, etc, etc... by all means, say something.
But that's it. And I mean, that's IT.
DO NOT 'help' your partner. DO NOT 'assist' the teacher
while rotating. DO NOT 'show' your partner the correct way... do not, do not,
do not! offer any unsolicited help, advice or commentary.
Do I have a multitude of stories for you! A million
gazillion. Shoot, I even heard that a guy lifted a girls' chin and told her to
"look him in the eyes" while she danced with him. Really??? How
invading is that? He touched her chin? In order to do something other than
leading? And then told her to look in his eyes? Are you kidding? And the worst
part is, she was a champion dancer... and was not dancing with her equal. At
all. I am consistently shocked at the boundaries that are being crossed out
there. Sigh.
Can you tell? This is an extremely upsetting trend for me,
and I have to say, from what I've seen and heard, it's a rampant one.
We have become obsessed,
to the detriment of our community,
with ignoring "our side of the street,"
and looking over at "their side of the street"
to see what needs "fixing."
If you have ever ever ever
offered unsolicited commentary, then I'm sorry, but YOU have a lot to fix on
your own side of the street. Work hard to become the best leader, the best
follower and the best dancer you can be... and STOP trying to help anyone else
get there. Every teacher I have talked to says that they people who ‘help’ in
class are always the absolute last person anyone should be listened to. That’s
been my experience too. The people who actually know what they are doing… they
are listening in class, not teaching others. It’s an incredibly frustrating
trend for those of us who have been teaching for decades.
As such, those of you who find yourself trapped with a
"helper," whether it’s social dancing or in class, do not encourage
them and do not heed their advice. I've heard the worst techniques and tips
shared on the social floor (usually an Abstract dancer trying to change a Swing
dancer). It's rude behavior, and anyone who is rude is not worth listening to.
Just keep going, wait out the advice, say "I'm okay," or "I hear
what you're saying," when they press you for a response, and please...
please, please, please, do not thank them for the help! and never say you're
sorry. The uber-nice tend to immediately apologize a lot. Helpers love this...
they feed on it. And they will only come after you more because of it.
Spare a life, encourage joy and happiness on the floor, and
blissfully ignore the "helpful" words of the truly unhelpful dancers.
I can't believe I'm even saying this, but apparently this is
a much needed rule... you wouldn't believe the stories I hear. Ladies... if
there is an excellent lead in the room who is actually willing to share his
talent with all of the rest of the ladies, then show him some respect.
Apparently women are cursing, throwing tantrums and fighting with the leads
when they say that they have a line waiting. Men… just because you gathered up
the courage to ask, does not mean she owes you something. You are also throwing
fits, arrogance and obscenities. This behavior baffles me.
Ladies and gentleman!
When you ASK somebody to dance,
then you are open to hearing either a "yes," OR a "no" in
reply.
Anything less, and you are DEMANDING a dance.
And that, everyone, is just plain out of line and rude.
Never, ever demand a dance. This is not the way to get someone to dance with
you. If a man is ever ugly when I turn them down, I certainly do not intend to
reward that behavior by actually saying "yes" to them ever again.
There is no rule, nor has there ever been a rule, that you deserve a dance
before anyone else or at the exact moment you ask for it.
There is only one exception: the spouse. The spouse trumps
all. If 'he put a ring on it,' then that lady and/or man gets first dibs, no
matter what the line is for their partner.
My husband has seen the worst of this, and so has my partner
Josh. They are "the nice guys," and for some reason this gives the
ladies the freedom to abuse them somehow. And that's when I see the ugliness...
when I dare to ask my husband for a dance. Oh dear, the ladies do lose it! But
according to the boys, the ladies are starting to lose it no matter what. They
are even asking three or four times a night, no matter how exhausted the men
are or how many ladies are waiting.
What's going on? Never demand a dance. Oh... you can run
helter skelter across a floor to get to a favorite first, but be gracious no
matter what answer you receive.
The issue of videotaping is one I'm blatantly stealing from
Kelly Casanova. But it's necessary. Unconstrained videotaping of everyone and
anyone, every where and every place, is widespread in our community. This is a
new problem. Yes, I said problem.
Just because you can videotape, doesn't mean you should.
Witness Protection has had to relocate dancers because a video was posted of
them at a dance on YouTube without their knowledge. Teachers are losing income
and leaving the dance because students are taping them socially or during class
in order to steal moves for other teachers or avoid paying for the class
themselves. The list goes on and on...
As with so much in life, just because you can, doesn't make
it right. Get a person's permission before filming, INCLUDING the people in the
background of your video. And don't be surprised if a pro walks off the floor
when you start filming them. It's incredibly rude, invasive and selfish.
So when it comes to videotaping, just be aware, okay? And
for those of you who teach, write up some ground rules for videotaping in your
class. For example, I don't allow my classes or workshops to be filmed, but I
do allow people to film my husband and I dancing a move at the end of class.
Sometimes I offer the counts and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I dance it to
music and sometimes I don't. It depends on where I am and what kind of students
I have, etc. I am very conscious of what I do on film. I can deal with people
videotaping for personal use, especially when I travel so often, but I'm very
aware of how valuable such an offering is.
It's a serious gift for any pro to allow their work to be
videotaped. It's our product, it's our living and we're giving it away for
free. Students pay for the workshop, not the 'video notebook.' It lends to less
privates, less paid hours, less income and more competition. Frankly, I'm
amazed when students believe we pros are "obligated" to put our
product on film. No. It's actually a big favor. And for those of us who are
extremely talented teachers, it’s a HUGE favor.
Back in the day, if you wanted the move you just learned on
film, you went out into the hall and danced it yourself while someone filmed
you. There's nothing wrong with that. Having a pro dance it for you, especially
with counts and tips? That's a huge gift, so respect it, honor it, and don't
complain when they choose not to film, and definitely don't share the video
when they do. Yes? Yes.
The rule used to be that you could ask your pro or champion
only once a night. But fewer pros and champions are out dancing, and many more
dancers are being extremely pushy about getting a dance (see Rule #3). So when
you know a pro or a champion that is out and willing to dance... take it as
chance for a free private lesson... and dance with them once, and only once,
for the entire weekend.
We professionals do talk, you know, and when someone abuses
the 'once a night' rule at a convention, or over a weekend, and asks every
single night. That's really pushing it. Some of you even ask for help or
lessons on the floor. And then we remember you... but not in a good way. If we ask you, then
hey, you're super lucky. Rock it out. But in the meantime, be pleased with your
one dance. You can learn so much from it. And it will keep that pro and/or
champion from only dancing with their students or staying in their room for the
rest of the night.
You might already be doing this, because I've learned this
trick from watching others. If you want to dance swing with a partner, wait for
a swing song. I've seen both leads and follows just say, "Yes, but not to
this song." And then they both meet up later and dance together.
That's just a really smart approach to dancing for both of
you. No one loses out. If it doesn't make you want to do swing, then the dance
simply won't do either one of you justice. And you will have a harder time
learning the dance or even getting better at it if you dance to inappropriate
music for it too much. Degrading music degrades your dancing. Waiting for a
song that naturally works for WCS only leads
to better dancing on everyone’s part, assuming you’re both WCS
trained.
People love hearing yes, and when you want to wait because
of the song, they know you're not waiting because of themselves as a partner.
I've never seen a bad reaction to this request yet. Just do it if you want to.
DO NOT use it as a way to say no. That’s passive aggressive. Be honest with
your boundaries and mean what you say. Everyone deserves at least that amount
of respect.
And, by the way, feel free to start requesting songs from
the DJ's. How do you think all the DJ's have the "new" music that
they are playing? Most of them are requested by the Abstract dancers. So start
requesting your favorite swing song. You'll be glad you did! And a tip in their
tip jar helps even more, of course.
Partner dancing doesn't work unless you have respect for
your partner. Nissies see their partner as someone to "use." They use
you as an excuse to take the front row, to be seen, to show themselves off, to
declare judgment on you... they only "use."
I watched one Abstract Nissy dance right in front of a girl
having her birthday dance. The crowd wanted to cheer for the girl, but they
were so uncomfortable that the guy just went up there and blocked our view of
her, that we were all just silent. I wasn't hosting the dance, so I didn't have
the willpower to take over and yank him off the floor (ohhhhh, how I wish I
had!), but as soon he was done with his partner, he came and asked me to dance
with him, before the birthday dance for this girl was over.
I smiled and gave a very firm "No thanks." I will
not dance in front of someone else on their birthday dance. I will not say
"yes" to a leader who very clearly just wants to seen and requires me
to be yanked, thrown and diminished in order to prove he's "better"
when he's really just an intermediate dancer (at best.) He didn't want to dance
"with" me. He wanted to dance "over" me in front of
everyone when they were sitting out in respect to the birthday girl. Why
bother? Who in the world signs up for that when they join their first dance class?
Remember. Just because a guy or girl in your neck of the
woods has "points" and lords it over you, doesn't mean that they are
a better dancer than you anymore. It just means, in most cases, that they have
more attitude or arrogance than you, and that they find you disposable as a
partner.
Attitude doesn't make for a good dance. Nissies only feed
their ego when you dance with them. If they have no one to dance with, they
have no one to abuse. Let them dance with each other or go dance somewhere
else. Nissies have NO edifying value in any community... they only destroy.
It's very subtle, sometimes not so subtle, but you can do you part by refusing
to 'feed their need.' And you'll spare yourself an enormous amount of pain and
confusion in the process.
I used to say yes to everyone, even after I became a
champion. I was known for it. I loved dancing, and I never hesitated to just
say... "YES!" No matter who they were. When I run into dancers I
haven't seen in decades they say, "oh, you... you used to dance with, used
to dance with... well, everyone!"
But today? I'm VERY good at saying "No, thank
you." It’s never comfortable for me. It’s always difficult. But it’s very
necessary. Especially when it comes to
my bodily protection. And it's essential that you learn the skill as well.
There are times when you are in harms way. And you need to
know when those times come and act accordingly. There are two dances, and as
I've said a million-jillion times before... it's painful mentally, physically
and emotionally when these two dances clash on the floor. Women and men all
over California have dislocated
shoulders, necks and hips from being "nice" and saying
"yes" to Abstract dancers who could care less about taking care of
their partner.
Men watch in shock and horror as the women they are dancing
with decide to lean... lean... leeeeeaaaaan... and face plant themselves on the
floor. Pulling their leaders down with them. And then turning and saying,
"Wasn't that cool?" I have now seen this happen on both coasts in America
and I have never heard the guy say, "Yeah, that was cool." It makes
the man look like he dropped her, and it makes the man fall and often injured.
Both men and women have sustained injuries that have kept them off the dance
floor from 6 months to three years. There is nothing okay about this.
The second part to this rule? If you say "yes,"
and discover they are doing a different dance, you don't have to lie and
pretend like you're having fun. I'm shocked at how many skilled women feel like
they have to make a bad lead feel "good" about themselves. I'm not
saying to stare them down, but back in the day, we would watch each other to
see if we were enjoying the lead and/or follow we were getting. But now, we all
seem to be working hard at lying to each other and saying we're having a ball,
even when we're not. This is especially true with the ladies... the ladies of
today are in full "nurture" mode... they are on a mission to make the
guy feel good... even when the guy is making them feel very very bad.
This helps no one. It makes the men think they are perfect
and don't need work, and it makes the women forget what a good lead feels like.
I'm not advocating rude behavior. I'm advocating honesty. Don't make the effort
to be radiant all the time unless your partner is actually interested in giving
you a good dance. You don’t need to have a sour look on your face… I’m not
saying that at all. But I’m careful to only say it was wonderful when, well, it
was actually wonderful.
To this day I am still happy to say "yes" to all
levels of swing dancers. But it has cost me greatly, especially as an
instructor. I’ve had to stop by gas stations on the way home to get ice for my
hand, my foot, a knee or a shoulder. This is astonishing, and absolutely not
okay. So I’ve found it necessary to be increasingly wary.
One dancer in Northern California was
so polite when he first started asking me. He was a joy to dance with. But then
he stopped taking lessons and started gripping my hand so hard with his thumbs
that, despite my requests to let go, I'd end up icing my hands for three days,
making my job painful and sometimes impossible. I was very honest with him. I
told him this repeatedly, and he just did not care. He squeezed harder than
ever. As if to prove a point.
So I had to start turning him down. He was completely
unwilling to believe he was causing the massive bruising on my hands, and so...
we had to part ways. I still had a hard time saying no, but it was most
definitely worth it. Anytime your partner puts their ego above your physical
well being it not worth stepping onto the floor with.
Another dancer, years ago, wanted to do a Classic routine
with me. He even went so far as to tell others we were partnering, even when we
weren’t, to prevent anyone else for asking me. Other professionals were pushing
me to dance with him and some were even mad that I never did. I was being
pushed from every direction to dance with this man.
But what no one knew, was that during one of our very first
practice sessions, he did a move that literally threw my across the floor on my
back. We’re talking more than ten feet across the floor… it was a hard smack
followed by a long skid. I looked up at him in horror wondering what in the
world had happened. And do you know what he was doing? He was laughing. And
laughing hard. And he said, with this proud smirk, “I thought that would
happen.”
That was it. I didn’t say anything, but I never set up
another practice session with him again, and I knew I would never agree to
dance with him. My only sorrow, looking back, was that I never told anyone
this. I just listened in silence as I was pushed from eight different sides to
dance with this man, that I knew I could never trust my physical well being
with.
And that was back when we were both doing WCS .
I know some current professionals who are willing to put up with this dangerous
behavior, just to keep dancing in the Top 5. It makes me so upset when I walk
by them practicing and one partner is being incredibly abusive to the other
partner… and they just take it. Willingly. You can see that it’s a choice. But
they have paid for it physically.
My point is that no one is immune. Newcomers to advanced
dancers to professionals… we all have a responsibility to ourselves to go into
anything, a social dance, a strictly swing or a routine with eyes wide open.
And all of us have the freedom, right and justification to say no at certain
times. I repeat:
This rule is not about dance experience or levels. It is
about different goals, different dances, health and protection.
Be comfortable saying "No, thank you" when it
comes to your mental, emotional and physical well being. No matter who you are
and what kind of dancing you’re doing.
______
And so there you go... new rules to live by. The biggest one
of all is having the freedom to say "no," in my opinion. Again, it’s
not easy, but then again, neither is becoming injured. When I say “no” I always
say it with a smile and I always, always, always just say "No," or
"No, thank you!" Never say more than that.
Unless, of course, you really are just looking to dance with
them later. If I tell a guy “no” because I really am hurting or tired, I
actually tell them that. I clearly state, “I need to sit out a dance to rest,
but I’ll be sure to catch you next.” And that’s exactly what I do. Ask around.
The only time I say “no” and nothing else is when I don’t want to be asked by
them again.
It's imperative that we be choosy nowadays. Not everyone is
out for a "good dance" with their partner. Not everyone is interested
in being a good lead or a good follow. So get educated. Choose wisely. And
become comfortable with the word “no” when you need to.
Put all these new rules into play, and you’ll start enjoying
your dancing a whole lot more- and your reputation will improve as well.
“Knowing is half the battle,” as they say, and now you know.
Now, go enjoy the
dance floor like never before!
This is Chapter 9 from the book Telling the Truth: The Foundational Articles for Today's WCS. Available on Amazon.com. Copyright 2014.
